Santa's Going Smokeless

So, OK. So-called "smokeless tobacco" products aren't good for you. They can cause cancer and other bad stuff. I myself, though I smoked tobacco for over 30 years, never could see the appeal of snuff, chewing tobacco, or dip. But I have been acquainted with guys who liked to dip. The first boss I ever had in Oklahoma actually chewed. Used to spit into a mug he kept on his desk. To each his own . . .

Yes, it was disgusting, but I never thought Congress should pass a law to keep this guy and bunches of other guys like him from chewing tobacco at all. In fact, I would have been mystified back in 1978 to hear that Congress was even considering such a thing. Congress, after all, had better things to do. What the hell did the national legislature care whether some guy out in the country dipped daily or walked around with a plug in his pocket?

But those days are long gone. We have entered the age of paper-thin skin everywhere, and everybody's nose under your tent, in your face, in your business. No one should ever be offended, disgusted, horrified, angered, disturbed, hurt, or discomforted by what you say, what you look like, or what you decide to put in your mouth and chew. Hey, I'm as "sensitive" as the next guy, but this PC crap has really gotten out of hand. No one is offended by the fact this country bestows a trillion dollars a year on the defense department to kill people. No one is offended that millions of kids in the country go to bed hungry. No one is offended that the national policy of this country allows torture of our enemies, violation of cherished civil liberties of the citizens of this country. No one, apparently, is offended by the idea of opening up a bizillion more offshore acres for the oil companies to drill in. But, please, Lord, let's not have anybody's feelings hurt by anything at all.

Quite in keeping: oh, dear, let us not have baseball players chewing tobacco. (You can guess the rationale without even reading about it--bad for you, bad example for the kids, generally disgusting habit.) The Congress of the United States, led by the Democrats, of course (the same people who have proven absolutely spineless since they took power in January last year) is putting pressure on major league baseball to ban the use of smokeless tobacco from the sport. Are you kidding me? Are you serious? Tobacco and baseball are like hamburger and fries, Mutt and Jeff, movies and popcorn, Christmas and Santa! I can no more imagine baseball without tobacco than I can imagine Mitch McConnell becoming a Democrat.

Here's what I suggest: major league baseball should send a big fat black 38-oz Louisville Slugger bat to Congress and tell them to shove it up their butt.